Wonderful Julie

Diary 2010 

20100703 Thoughts / Wonderful Julie

We've had easier months, Julie, I, and Olesia, the current inhabitants of our house.  Second week of June, Julie and I attended her mom's funeral in Wisconsin.  Travel was tough on Julie, but she sucked it up, and I was the only one showing any signs of stress at the airport, funeral, etc.  Pleasant funeral as funerals go.

My company insisted that I move to Olean on June 21.  In reality, I think they were unhappy with my performance on the Acid Gas program, I was unhappy with the lack of support and direction of the program, so we agreed.   But, taking care of Julie and moving to upstate NY was not a possible combination, so I resigned. Made 4 years, the longest employment I've had in my life.  I've had two decent consulting jobs, so far, one is continuing.  I am participating on two DOE grants for making solar grade silicon.  I want to write up a patent idea I have for magnesium.  I have a good lead on a patent infringement case on processing hazardous wastes.  And, I hope to get some consulting working helping write SmartMaterials back at my old job.   And of course, any day now the magnesium project that I have been working for eleven years or so is going to sprout wings and fly.

Now, how is Julie doing.  Well, six weeks or so, they gave her palliative radiation treatments on a lesion on her spin.  The lesion (tumor) was (is) adjacent to her spinal column, so they could not be very aggressive with the radiation treatment.  In my opinion, much of the symptoms have got worse since then, bladder control non-existent, feet swollen (from steriods ?), walking hobbled and restricted, balance poor, tired all the time, and frequently her legs are in pain.  

Olesia came down and got me the other night.  Julie was rearranging her shoes in her closet, one of many projects she is taking on that are a great mystery to me, and then got too tired to continue.  Olesia found her curled up in the fetal position in the closet, but Julie told Olesia she was okay.  That is what Julie would say whether it was true or not.  I came and sat with her in the closet and talked with her for about five minutes and then helped her back to bed. 

I lost my cool a few nights back.  Julie had got up to change her depends about 2 am and occupied our bathroom.  So, I went to the other bathroom and found it so full of clothes and stuff on the floor I could not push the door open enough to get comfortably to the sink.  I lost it and started throwing her stuff with some force into the bathtub thinking it was only clothes.  Well, there was some hard stuff, don't know what, and it slammed into the bathtub wall with a large noise.  That didn't stop me from throwing the rest of the stuff into the bathtub and then using the bathroom.  Moments later, Olesia was yelling at me to use my own bathroom, I was yelling at her that I needed more help around here, and Julie was trying to calm us down.  I was also upset with Julie at all the projects she is starting (and not finishing)  -- I feel like the plague of disorder that starts in my daughter's bedroom is spreading like a full blown epidemic throughtout our house.   Julie said she was dying so what did it matter; I didn't answer and just went and tried to sleep on the couch.  Ashton made it too crowded there, so I came back to bed about day break and got about two hours of sleep before my big meeting.  I was lethargic in the meeting, but hopefully my science carried me ... I kept forgetting names.  Olesia and I talked the next day over some Reese's peanut butter candy that I got for amends.  I said I was sorry to both Julie and Olesia, and she was helped out some over the last two days.  She still has no grasp of how much work it takes to keep this house afloat and earn a living.

I try to write some for sanity, and dream of the day when I can do it most of the time.  I plan to downsize after Julie is gone.  Find a cheap yard for Ashton and the cats, somewhere to be determined.  Then consult enough for bread on the table and internet for the computers, and write and play tennis the balance of the time.  Lots of great novels planned and in progress in my head.