Crap, Crap, Bad News

First, I wish I knew how to spell crap.

Julie couldn't get chemo this week, giving the cancer a week off from being treated. The reason, white blood cells are done. I assume this means her lymph glands, which I think make the white cells, are not making enough white cells. Why, I assume because the chemo is attacking the lymph glands. This has happened about three times. Bummer.

Good News

We got some good news today.  Julie had a cat scan about 10 days ago.  We reviewed the scan with the doctor today.  Most but not all of the cancer is out of Julie's lungs, there is still a significant amount left in her liver, and her adrenaline gland has shrunk back to normal size indicating the cancer is almost gone there.   The tumor in her breast has shrunk from about 2.6 cm to 1.5 cm.   Her lymph glands are almost back to normal size.  

On the other side of the coin, Julie's toes are tingling some indicating the chemo is doing damage to the tissue around the nerves.  Julie is getting three growth shots (steroids) a week to keep her white blood cells at an acceptable level.  She got a blood transfusion to keep her red blood count up.  She has been tired more than usual and is gaining weight, a side effect of the steroids.  I am gaining weight also, cause not yet determined, but food is suspected.

Julie has just started the fourth set of chemo of six sets.  So, half way through.  Chemo is working but it also getting tough on Julie.   Of course, when the doctor asked Julie how she is doing, she said, as always, fine.

 

Living in Doubt

Well, I am leaving for New York in a few hours leaving Julie alone, well with Ashton and the cats. 

Last week was not quite typical.  Two trips for shots, one for a blood test, and a blood transfusion and cat scan instead of chemo.  Julie's red blood count was too low for chemo, so they topped her up with a couple of bags of red blood.  Seems like at some point you would get full and your blood pressure go up, but they said no, she would just pee out the excess fluids and keep the red blood cells - convenient.

Julie was tired more last week than normal.  She had a cough and throat clearing episodes on Monday, which were the first signs of cancer three months ago.   Of course, when this happens it makes me fear the cancer is coming back.  The coughing and throat clearing seemed to disappear as the week went on making me somewhat less fearful.  However, she has started having indigestion and acid reflux a lot lately, which of course makes me afraid the cancer has spread to her stomach or esophagus.  I assume all these fears are normal, but I don't like them. 

Every hug and kiss with Julie these days is precious.  Her laying on my shoulder at night, on the rare occasion that Ashton allows this, is almost more emotional than I can deal with.  It feels great, it makes me happy and sad all at the same time, and it scares me.  The fear is my inability to stay in the present and not think about the future.   All of this messes up my mind more than anything else has for about forty years.  I consider myself a strong person and I believe I can make it through most things better than most, but the uncertainty makes this harder than most.

We went to the Delaware Fair yesterday.  My sandal broke a couple of blocks from the car.  I went bare footed and fought with Ashton, who is very strong for 22 pounds, as we walked the Delaware grounds.  Big place.  Julie went to her Master Garden booth to see how everyone is doing.  I tried to keep Ashton from attacking all the other dogs that walked by.  He nipped a large puppy that came up to him.  Embarassing.   Julie got pumped up and then stayed that way the rest of the day.  We walked Ashton when we got home, he didn't think the Fair qualified as his walk.   We watched two movies, Michael xx, and Gloomy Sunday.   Nope that was the night before. No, last night Julie worked on her dolls until late.

Julie seems more intense on getting her dolls done these days.  She stays up late, until she is too tired to work anymore and then comes to bed.  She rests much more than usual and watches tv from the bed for a few hours every day.   But, when she does get up, she is more focused on projects than normal.   Her garden projects are finished this year.  Jody and Peggy, our neighbors, have been mowing our yard.  Both are busy with their lives, but have found time to walk over and spend time with us.  Jody and I drink beer, our common ground, and Julie and Peggy talk about raising kids and other similar topics.   It is unfortunate that it takes cancer for neighbors to get closer and spend time together.  But, that is the life style (being too busy paying the bills, etc.) that we have chosen in America.  I digress.

Well, all is not dome and gloom.  Julie had a nice send off for me to NY.  But, she said not to put it in the blog, so I won't.

Missing Julie

From an airport in London, with a broke phone and my flight in 4 and 1/2 hours, after flying eight hours from Oman, I would like to call and talk to Julie. But, it is 7:30 here and I guess about 2 am in MD. And my phone screen is broken.

I hope the chemo is still working well and that Julie is enjoying her life and freinds. Everyone continues to be great and support her and us. Living with the now, ignoring the uncertainity - the wild card of cancer - is easier when we see the chemo working. Enjoying life is easier when her friends share the now with her. Not so profound, but true.

Muscat Hotel

Since my phone is broken and I had not heard if Julie was doing well for three days, I borrowed a phone and called Julie. She was in the doctor's office. It was good to hear that Allison was with her. Julie said she was okay, but no matter what that is what she would say. From Oman, without a phone it is hard to tell.

However, she assured me that Ashton had started sleeping with her again, which means he was upset with my leaving, not with Julie's health. It is strange that Ashton's return to her bed (he is a Jack Russel), would make me feel better. He seems to know when something is wrong before we do. I had hoped someone that had spent some time with Julie would have emailed me to assure me that all is well, but I guess not that many read this blog anymore.

The opportunity for build a magnesium plant that I have worked on for nine years is about to happen, perhaps. I got some poor vibs the last two days. Perhaps, it is my vibs about Julie being more important to me than any project, no matter how long I have worked on it, or no matter how much money I could make on it .... perhaps millions ... has been conveyed to others as not being fully committed, which I am not. And as usual, perhaps I talk too much and I am too honest. Well, which all goes to prove that fighting poverty is my Karma, as they say. But, it has only been 41 years since I took up the battle in earnest. I have moved ahead of poverty in the middle of the race, but I always feel that it will catch me again before I reach the finish line. Of course, Julie would be glad to go across the finish line and not pull up lame. I think when she does, I will stop and help her and poverty will race ahead of us.

Oman Hotel

I'm in a plush hotel in Oman, drinking a beer during Ramadhan. I'm told it is okay in my room. If caught drinking or eating in public during day light, you go to jail. I guess you stay longer if alcohol is involved. They say Saudi is worse. I don't know how.

Despite these rules, the towns are very modern with no homeless people to be seen on the streets. People are very friendly here and very hospital. Of course, this hotel is $300 per night, so they are paid to be friendly.

You need a license for everything, kind of like our system where you are taxed on everything. Anyway, what I wonder about at the moment is how Julie is doing. My phone doesn't work here and just to make sure, I broke the screen. I get back to Philly on Friday, Sept 5, around 2 pm. Julie has written twice, but it has been two days since I heard from her. She told me Ashton was not sleeping with her, so that makes me worried. He knew she was sick before the doctor's knew. I hope he is just upset that I am not there. I am upset that I am not there, so we agree.

I got up at 4 am to work on another project and now I am tired. Anyway, any of you with a phone, give Julie a call to see how she is and then leave a comment or drop me an email. Thanks.