Living in Doubt

Well, I am leaving for New York in a few hours leaving Julie alone, well with Ashton and the cats. 

Last week was not quite typical.  Two trips for shots, one for a blood test, and a blood transfusion and cat scan instead of chemo.  Julie's red blood count was too low for chemo, so they topped her up with a couple of bags of red blood.  Seems like at some point you would get full and your blood pressure go up, but they said no, she would just pee out the excess fluids and keep the red blood cells - convenient.

Julie was tired more last week than normal.  She had a cough and throat clearing episodes on Monday, which were the first signs of cancer three months ago.   Of course, when this happens it makes me fear the cancer is coming back.  The coughing and throat clearing seemed to disappear as the week went on making me somewhat less fearful.  However, she has started having indigestion and acid reflux a lot lately, which of course makes me afraid the cancer has spread to her stomach or esophagus.  I assume all these fears are normal, but I don't like them. 

Every hug and kiss with Julie these days is precious.  Her laying on my shoulder at night, on the rare occasion that Ashton allows this, is almost more emotional than I can deal with.  It feels great, it makes me happy and sad all at the same time, and it scares me.  The fear is my inability to stay in the present and not think about the future.   All of this messes up my mind more than anything else has for about forty years.  I consider myself a strong person and I believe I can make it through most things better than most, but the uncertainty makes this harder than most.

We went to the Delaware Fair yesterday.  My sandal broke a couple of blocks from the car.  I went bare footed and fought with Ashton, who is very strong for 22 pounds, as we walked the Delaware grounds.  Big place.  Julie went to her Master Garden booth to see how everyone is doing.  I tried to keep Ashton from attacking all the other dogs that walked by.  He nipped a large puppy that came up to him.  Embarassing.   Julie got pumped up and then stayed that way the rest of the day.  We walked Ashton when we got home, he didn't think the Fair qualified as his walk.   We watched two movies, Michael xx, and Gloomy Sunday.   Nope that was the night before. No, last night Julie worked on her dolls until late.

Julie seems more intense on getting her dolls done these days.  She stays up late, until she is too tired to work anymore and then comes to bed.  She rests much more than usual and watches tv from the bed for a few hours every day.   But, when she does get up, she is more focused on projects than normal.   Her garden projects are finished this year.  Jody and Peggy, our neighbors, have been mowing our yard.  Both are busy with their lives, but have found time to walk over and spend time with us.  Jody and I drink beer, our common ground, and Julie and Peggy talk about raising kids and other similar topics.   It is unfortunate that it takes cancer for neighbors to get closer and spend time together.  But, that is the life style (being too busy paying the bills, etc.) that we have chosen in America.  I digress.

Well, all is not dome and gloom.  Julie had a nice send off for me to NY.  But, she said not to put it in the blog, so I won't.