Life as a Dog or Bear

I have a running dialogue with my son about my food preferences.  He is a sometime vegetarian, try to eat healthy kind of guy.  I told him my dietary preferences run more like a bear.  Tonight when I was eating my cookies and milk, with Ashton staring at me, Julie said I think you are more like a dog.  Olesia, home visiting from college, laughed and said "that's right".

Well, the dog or bear is taking Julie to the doctor tomorrow.  She has radiation, chemo, and a doctor's consult scheduled for tomorrow.  I have a meeting at work tomorrow at the same time.  I told them I would call in if I could.  They have been pretty good at work, but I try not to take advantage of their kindness.

Julie had a pet scan a couple of weeks ago.  The nurses gave us a sneak preview.  It showed that Julie's body is still free from cancer, at least to their limits of detection.  She is at the end of her second week of radiation treatment for the cancer that has moved to her brain.  The third week is supposed to the be the hard one.  This week was discouraging enough.  Julie in bed one night told me that it is hard feeling bad all the time, especially if you don't know if you are going to feel better tomorrow.  She can't read because the cancer is affecting her vision, she is tired from the radiation, and the new Tykerb drug is giving her acne.  And yet, during it all, she had the thoughtfulness to tell me one night, that "you are a pretty good guy."  I tear up writing it.  I have not always been the model husband.

Olesia is home from college for spring break, or something.  She sleeps a lot.  I eat a lot to compensate.

We are watching Grey's anatomy where they are putting a new face on a person with a seriously disfigured face.  Gross. Cool. Wonderful. Difficult to comprehend how you relate to someone with a new face.  We put so much emphasis on the superficial in life, how would we deal with someone with a new face.  What if the skin color was darker, or lighter.

Lately I find myself asking often, what is the last time we do this together.  The little stuff, like meals and stuff I don't worry about yet.  But, perhaps the last trip which was to Paris, will be our last trip of any significance. When we go out for Mexican food and Julie's stomach has trouble, I wonder if this could be our last time out to Mexican food.  We started eating Mexican many moons ago in Tucson.  It is the food I most associate with our Marriage.  Symbols.  Symbols of our lives, all around us that we take for granted.

Julie with her vision is having trouble working on her dolls. I hope each doll is not her last.  I know I shouldn't think that way, that I should be upbeat and encouraging.  Luckily, she doesn't read the blog, it is our secret.  Here are some of her dolls from 2008 .